With Voices On A Platter

"You know that place between sleep and wake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you..."

But as you wake slowly, you can feel the wisps of a dream fading away, and you're struggling to grasp onto those threads, only to realise they're slipping quietly through your fingers. Helplessly you forget. Then you go on perfectly through the day, ok...

So far, May isn't going all too greatly, I can feel those vines of emptiness I thought long gone, twine itself around me again.

And I can hear me talking to myself saying, Please don't do this to me.

So Close
You're in my arms
And all the world is calm
The music playing on for only two
So close together
And when I'm with you
So close to feeling alive

A life goes by
Romantic dreams will stop
So I bid mine goodbye and never knew
So close was waiting, waiting here with you
And now forever I know
All that I wanted to hold you
So close

So close to reaching that famous happy end
Almost believing this was not pretend
And now you're beside me and look how far we've come
So far we are so close

How could I face the faceless days
If I should lose you now?
We're so close
To reaching that famous happy end
And almost believing this was not pretend
Let's go on dreaming for we know we are
So close
So close
And still so far

I underestimated how brave I could be, I'm so so tired of pulling those corners of my mouth up once more.
All I want to do is ball up in a corner, breakdown then try to repair myself again.
So just let me do that for awhile now, I promise I'll be ok.

I can't help feeling that sense of comfort. I can't help trying to heal by hurting someone else. And although I know that makes me a bitch, I don't want to lose what I have because I'm selfish. And I know the only way out is to lose this. I've lived this nightmare before, but on the receiving end and so I know how much it can destroy a person. How much it can shatter who you are til you're never quite the same again. And here I am doing it to someone else.

Eventually I can't keep denying what I'm slowly starting to realise is true. And it's going to come to a confrontation. And losses will be incurred and people hurt. And it will happen soon.

"Say (All I Need)"

Do you know where your heart is?
Do you think you can find it?
Or did you trade it for something
Somewhere better just to have it?
Do you know where your love is?
Do you think that you lost it?
You felt it so strong, but
Nothing's turned out how you wanted

Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold

Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Do you know what your fate is?
And are you trying to shake it?
You're doing your best and
Your best look
You're praying that you make it

Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold

Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Better than you had it
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Yeah, better than you had it (Better than you had it)

I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Whenever the end is
Do you think you can see it?
Well, until you get there
Go on, go ahead and scream it
Just say it

Is it possible to be so broken hearted and so much in love at the same time? I think so. No.
I know so.
See if you know me, you'll know I hardly ever cry. But I spent last night crying my eyes out and trying to do it quietly so i didn't wake my family up. because i've never felt so happy in my entire life and so entirely broken. I thought the first goodbye was the hardest when he had to leave. But seeing him again on monday, slipping my hand into his and holding onto it, just made it harder this time to let go again. And i feel like an idiot.
And the fact that my whole family likes him, and that dad even bothered to cook for him and my parents trusting him to be alone with me in our house just solidified everything and proved that this is what i know is right. And i've never been abe to tell myself that something is right.
Everyday I wake up wondering what did i do to deserve this person and then i get so terrified that it was all a dream because there can't possibly be someone that perfect who would be with me.
Yes i have esteem issues and i don't know why.
I keep telling myself to be brave. Because i know he's worth it and because he tells me that it's something we'll face together and to never forget that he is always there. And i know 100% that he is.
He says "Don't ever keep anything from me. Promise. No matter if it's sad or happy or frustration, I want to know everything about you. It kills me when you're quiet."
But how can i ever let him know how much it sucks to be so far from him if I want him to be doing what he wants to do and start a new chapter?
So suck it up and smile and say "I'm ok. I will be at least. I love you."
And I truly do.

And i'd like to thank God my family & friends, for teaching me to always have Faith. For telling me and showing me, that Faith is believing in something even when you can't see who or what you believe in.

Maybe today I'll stop crying my eyes out so they'll stop being red and puffy, buck up and bury myself in my studies and work.
You're not alone
Together we stand
I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand
When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There's no place to go
You know I won't give in
No I won't give in

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

So far away
I wish you were here
Before it's too late, this could all disappear
Before the doors close
And it comes to an end
With you by my side I will fight and defend,
I'll fight and defend
Yeah, yeah!

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Hear me when I say, when I say I believe
Nothing's gonna change, nothing's gonna change destiny
Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

La da da da
La da da da
La da da da da da da da da

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Keep holding on...
Keep holding on

There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

a part of me wants to doom myself.
I'm forcing myself into distraction.
I thought I was stronger than this.

Because I'm afraid that if I looked, I might not like what I find.

And there are the ups and the Downs.

Do you believe in horoscopes?
I used to think it was silly. how can millions of people sharing the same horoscope have the same predictions for what would happen to them on a daily basis. So I thought that in reading our horoscope, we would find situations that suit what they said would happen and then tell ourselves
"Ah... It was RIGHT!"
But then again i got to thinking, maybe there is some truth in the statements that are fed to us.
Don't ask me why, maybe i just fell for the same idea everybody else did, fitting what happened into the statements that predict my day.
Ah, the irony.
Afterall, I am a Gemini, are we not schizophrenic?
One way this moment and the other the next., always confusing others and ourselves as to what we really think.
Quiet and Loud
Up and Down
There is something alluring about this roller coaster ride, nothing is ever predictable. nothing is ever the same.
________________________________________________________________________________________________

Moving on, my brain is fried as is my body.
burned from school and burned from work. I can't imagine doing a project with freeloaders who have the damn cheek to ask me whether i've done finish the report that was supposed to be completed by the 5 of us. If that is going to be the case, I should just have done the whole damn thing by myself and take that damn A for myself as well.
FML.
work on the other hand is just plain bordering on overload.
WHY DOES EVERYBODY LOVE THIS HOTEL SO MUCH????
not that i'm complaining, work = money = pay off student loan.
BUT I"M WORKING LIKE A DOG AS IS ALL MY COLLEAGUES.
we are now known as panda nation with a firefighter for a boss (whom i'm very grateful for srsly)
working almost everyday after school till midnight, sleep at 2 then wake at 7, go to school and repeat process for 5-6days straight in a row is starting to take a toll on my mental and physical well-being. (so speaking if it still exists somewhere)
I'd like to extend my sincere apologies to my brain for the trauma I put it through everyday. 

ZzzZzz....

Someone Rescue Me...

am shaking. and it's not from the cold but from the uncertain. there has never been a time when I've been so caught in a situation where I've felt like a fat hole has been punched through me and huge chunk ripped out from who I am. Maybe I have, but never before because of someone I've loved so much.
There, I've said it. Yes, I love you. And despite trying so hard not to, I spent last night crying on the way up from the lift, watching the doors close and not knowing what's going to happen next. And I'll wait, and wait, if that's what it takes.
I loved what I heard in church that day,
"There are three things that last, Faith, Hope and Love. And the greatest of these is Love."
If I'm to be telling the truth, I have never really been able to say the words I love you to anyone before, because I firmly believe they should only be uttered in completely honesty and reciprocation, and for awhile back, I was afraid to admit that I was starting to love him more than I could keep in check. But loving someone isn't about keeping it in check. It's about what makes you whole. And although I'm going to miss you like crazy and I already feel like I'm going out of my mind, because you're doing what you want, because you're going to better yourself and because you're brave, I can be too.
I realised now, when they say loving someone is letting them go, they were wrong. Loving someone isn't about letting them go, it's about holding them so tightly they meld intowho you are that even by 'letting them go', they're always there without you even knowing it sometimes.

So, I picked up the guts to, for the first time in my entire life, say "I love you" to someone first.

When you uproot you really uproot I gotta say. I thought all i was getting was a room revamp, which is a gorgeous black chic desk with cool extensions, a new metallic framed bed, a white ceiling high bookshelf and a painted white cupboard. WOOHOO modern chic. pictures will be spammed on facebook once i have it just the way i want. (although i suspect the white cupboard will be far away from now =(( )
But I am digressing. wait, let me digress a little further! haha i just got back my last semester's results with a row of straight distinctions and I topped my management course!!! wahahahaha now i don't feel so bad about mum getting me a new room makeover. anyway, despite the happy happy paradise of the two new revamps (my room and me), there has been an upset. One which regrettably, resulted in me ending up at the bus bay of the hotel crying on the phone to Clare who I must apologize to cause i scared the shit out of her when i asked her to make me laugh then started crying. =S sorry clare...

And sorry to Ben. Really really really sorry dear, for making you panic and worry and fret and go that while wondering what the hell was wrong with me and trying to make me feel better. I wasn't angry at you I swear. Just didn't understand some things which I will eventually get over. Thank you for standing by me and understanding when not to push when I shut down. And thank you for just being there and not being afraid to let me know you care so that I'm not afraid anymore too. (yes i'm gushing, i'm allowed to. He's mine. wahahaha.)

Ok, all in all i feel better.
NEW ROOM TOMORROW! WELCOME OVER PEEPS TO ABSORB MY NEW SPACE/NEST/CRIB!

=D is an extremely contented happy floating speck in the vast universe now because of you, and I'm not afraid to say it out because you showed me how. Because of you there's a little more reason to keep smiling everyday, because whether it's up or down, I know you're always going to be there even if it's not physically. I know if it's just a hug, a smile, a hand to hold or a shoulder to lean on, even with my eyes tightly shut you're going to be right there.
And now I can with my whole heart promise the same thing. <3

Everything
You're a falling star, you're the get away car.
You're the line in the sand when I go too far.
You're the swimming pool, on an August day.
And you're the perfect thing to say.

And you play it coy, but it's kinda cute.
Ah, when you smile at me you know exactly what you do.
Baby don't pretend, that you don't know it's true.
Cause you can see it when I look at you.

And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
It's you, it's you, you make me sing.
You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.

You're a carousel, you're a wishing well,
And you light me up, when you ring my bell.
You're a mystery, you're from outer space,
You're every minute of my everyday.

And I can't believe, that I'm your man,
And I get to kiss you baby just because I can.
Whatever comes our way, ah we'll see it through,
And you know that's what our love can do.

And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
It's you, it's you, you make me sing
You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.

So, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
So, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
It's you, it's you, you make me sing.
You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.
You're every song, and I sing along.
'Cause you're my everything.
Yeah, yeah

So, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
So, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

Feels like sin, tastes like sin, looks like sin, sounds like sin, but isn't?
Is it?
They would hate me. I would hate me.
But I am not guilty. "not yet." I hear the undeniable whisper filter and breeze through the depths of my mind. I cannot run. There is nowhere to run when you're faced with a mirror. Try it and run straight into a reflection you do not know.
Sin.
I am not guilty. I deny it.
It is nothing more than...
Sin?
No. It does not shake my resolve, yet I cannot turn from it.
I do. Yet the words cannot escape my lips.
Refusal to be the first, refusal to shed that skin despite the knowledge that
It (nothing) is (lasts) REAL (forever).
Will you ever find a snake that cannot shed its skin for sheer refusal to?
or because it can't?
Won't?
____________________________________________________________________________

How is that till today I cannot read your mind. Tempting like a book I've been forbidden to touch. How even though you're right there I can't see the words.
No, you do not make my heart beat. That much I'm damn sure of.
But that craving for knowledge drives me insane. Keeps me hanging around to see what happens next, because the chapters are locked until you read word for word what happens when it happens.
And it starts to feel like sin.
I should not be here. You should not be here.
There.
I am not guilty. Merely curious.
But to the rest of the outside world it feels like it... Because in all curiosity, I am around you more than I should be.

I have been converted by the like sof serena and kass into a karaoke fan!
haha yes, me. Me who refused to touch a microphone let alone open my mouth into it, is now willing to hog the mike and S-C-R-E-A-M!
All in all, it was a good day out with the girls, including roxy. despite the minor creepy "I am in a horror movie" scare we had at cuscaden early in the day. HEE.
Imagine taking a lift down a seemingly abandoned building where directions have indicated that by all rights, you should end up at a friendly karaoke pub. The dark lift descends into a tunnel surrounded by stone walls, into darkness... as the door opens and you prepare to step out, a SOLID WALL faces you and silence greets. Followed by maniacal laughter.
Erupting from us of course.
"pls take lift to B2, Cash Studios has now relocated."
BLOODY HELL. I will NEVER talk about horror movies in a lift ever again.

Anyway, christmas was an eventful period this year. managed to collect precious gifts and spend time with family and friends and the beloved. =)
after a long time, I am finally content and HAPPY.
something went right somewhere and to my dear, Merry Christmas, you made it a special one this year.